Age and inactivity usually bring reflection–and reflection isn’t always pleasant.<\/p>\n
The usual spoiler warnings apply:\u00a0\u00a0 Aliam Halveric is an important secondary character, and although I chose this snippet to be as little spoilerish as possible…it will seem so to some.<\/p>\n
Where: Halveric Steading, early autumn<\/p>\n
Who: Aliam Halveric<\/p>\n
………………………………….<\/p>\n
Aliam Halveric listened to the rain drumming on the stable roof, breathed in the fragrance of horses, good hay, oiled leather, and a hint of ripening fruit from the trees trained along the inner court wall, and wondered when it was he’d become an old man.\u00a0 Estil insisted he wasn’t old, and she didn’t seem old–barring the silver strands in her dark hair–but he felt<\/span> old, joints aching, responsibilities almost too heavy to bear.\u00a0 His grandchildren sprouted day by day, it seemed, rising up around him like saplings around an old storm-blasted tree.<\/p>\n And now he had to deal with the Count of Andressat, whose envoy had announced the count’s intention to visit on his way to Chaya to see the king.\u00a0 The king.\u00a0 Kieri.\u00a0 Once his servant, his squire, dear to him as a son or brother.\u00a0 His rival, at times, but always that bond of friendship.\u00a0 And now king, but king so much later than he should have been, because of Aliam.\u00a0 That still hurt, hurt enough that he sagged onto a chest, leaning on the wall and staring out at the water streaming on the courtyard stones.\u00a0 Kieri had forgiven him; he knew Kieri bore no grudge.\u00a0 But he could not forgive himself.\u00a0 He had known and he had done nothing.\u00a0 Oh, he’d had reason enough to do nothing, but no reasons seemed enough now, when Aliam laid out for the thousandth time the consequences of old decisions.<\/p>\n He shivered, as a chill breeze blew damply into the barn, and rubbed hands no longer as callused and hard as the summer before, the summer he had still trained daily with his soldiers.\u00a0 He could not sit here all day.\u00a0 He had work to do; Andressat would be here today or tomorrow.<\/p>\n Across the courtyard, where rain now fell more gently, a girl peeked from the main keep door and then, apron flung over her head, dashed to the stables.\u00a0 “Grandfather!\u00a0 Grandmother wants you!”\u00a0 Aliam sighed and pushed himself up.\u00a0 He remembered the birth of this child’s mother, and now the child of that child ran light-footed to his side, throwing her wet arms around him, grinning up with Estil’s grin.\u00a0 Pain stabbed him.\u00a0\u00a0 He was old, too old, and what would he leave this child?<\/p>\n In the main hall, tables had been laid.\u00a0 Estil smiled at his expression.\u00a0 “You said he was proud, Aliam.\u00a0 And he’s been traveling incognito; his pride will be rubbed raw.\u00a0 We shall guest him as he feels he deserves, and he will reach Kieri in a better mood.”<\/p>\n Aliam had to smile.\u00a0 “You always thought a little humility was good for proud men.”<\/p>\n “I did.\u00a0 I do.\u00a0 But he’s old, you said.\u00a0 And he’s a guest.”<\/p>\n “I’m old,” Aliam said.\u00a0 The weight fell back on his spirit again; he could feel himself sagging.<\/p>\n Estil looked at him, a long considering look.\u00a0 “Do you miss the summer campaigns?\u00a0 Does it seem dull here?”<\/p>\n “No, it’s not that.”\u00a0 The years when he had taken his soldiers south each spring, the raw excitement of campaigning mixed with the drudgery of it, seemed long ago, little bright images from a different person’s memory.\u00a0 “It’s not dull here,” he went on, forcing a smile.\u00a0 “Not with the children and their mischief; not with you…”<\/p>\n “It’s not like you to brood, Aliam.\u00a0 You were never a brooder, but you are not happy now.”<\/p>\n “I’m old.”<\/p>\n “You’re no older than I am,” she said.\u00a0 “You’ve been…strange…ever since last winter, when the…the paladin came.”\u00a0 When the Lady of the Ladysforest had come, but they could not speak those words, for the Lady had locked their tongues on that.<\/p>\n “It’s my fault,” Aliam said.\u00a0 Tears stung his eyes.\u00a0 “If I had–”<\/p>\n “You couldn’t know,” Estil said, a hand on his arm.\u00a0 “You couldn’t be sure.\u00a0 You had reasons…”<\/p>\n “Reasons!” Aliam said.\u00a0 The bitterness in his voice shocked him, and two of the servants passing through the hall turned to look at him and then hurried on.\u00a0 “Tammarrion died because of me,” he said more softly.\u00a0 “I’m the one who tutored Kieri in the courtesy of warriors and taught him how women fighters should be respected; it’s not just the sword, but…if not for me he would surely have drawn it sometime or other.\u00a0 Their children would be alive, she would be alive, he would be whole–”<\/p>\n “He is whole,” Estil said.\u00a0 “You are the one who’s not.”\u00a0 Then her hand flew to her mouth, as if to take the words back and her face paled.<\/p>\n Aliam looked at her.\u00a0 “I know.\u00a0 I know I’m not.\u00a0 I can’t live with it, Estil, what I’ve done and not done.\u00a0 I’m sorry.\u00a0 I’m sorry for all of it, and that it can’t be changed, and that I…can’t go on.”<\/p>\n “Aliam–”<\/p>\n He shook his head and moved past her.\u00a0 Up the stairs, each one harder to climb than the next, and into his study, where a bowl still held a sprig of undying apple-blossom, a gift of the Lady.\u00a0 The scent should have refreshed him, but now…now it was another wound.\u00a0 He sat down heavily.<\/p>\n Estil could manage without him; she’d done it summer after summer, all those years.\u00a0 The steading was more hers than his; she had managed it for him with all the skill and grace a man could ask for.\u00a0 His sons were all alive, barring Seliam–more tears came when he thought of Seliam, killed in Aarenis.\u00a0 Cal had heirs of the body; his eldest son was as old now as Aliam had been when he hired his first soldier.\u00a0 Kieri certainly didn’t need him; he would be only a constant reminder of what could have been, if Aliam had had the courage to say what he knew.\u00a0 He could trust Kieri to treat his family well, in matters of inheritance; that was all he could ask for.<\/p>\n All he had to do was make it through the Count of Andressat’s visit, play the host as he’d done for so many others, and then…his imagination failed.\u00a0 Old men died so many ways.\u00a0 Their eyesight dimmed; they tripped down stairs and stumbled off walls.\u00a0 Their hearing dimmed; they did not hear stampeding herds, shouted warnings of danger.\u00a0 They fell off horses and broke their necks; they fell into rivers and drowned.\u00a0 He had to be sure it was not seen as anyone’s fault; he wanted no more guilt carried by his family than they already bore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Age and inactivity usually bring reflection–and reflection isn’t always pleasant. The usual spoiler warnings apply:\u00a0\u00a0 Aliam Halveric is an important secondary character, and although I chose this snippet to be as little spoilerish as possible…it will seem so to some.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,81,115],"tags":[106,28],"class_list":["post-1106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-contents","category-kings-of-the-north","category-snippet","tag-contents","tag-snippet"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1106"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1106"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1106\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1107,"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1106\/revisions\/1107"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.paksworld.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}